Death to Silence

18 Jun

I’ve been quiet for a while for so many reasons. I worked a lot of hours. I was tired when I got home. I lost my voice. I didn’t have anything interesting to talk about. I lost interest in myself. It didn’t matter that I would talk to my friends and say something quirky or cute and they would tell me that would be a great topic to talk about. It just didn’t stick. Nothing stuck

And then a visitor knocked on my family’s door.

My Uncle had been suffering with brain cancer since 2009. Here’s the backstory: My Dad had leukemia. He needed a bone marrow transplant and his youngest brother donated his and it was a success. That was September 2009. New Years Eve of that year, I received a call from my Aunt that Uncle was not doing well and she was taking him to the ER. Shortly after that, brain cancer was the diagnosis. While my Uncle started undergoing treatment, my Dad’s health was slowly deteriorating. March 6, 2010, my Dad passed away. It was the first time I heard that flat line sound for someone I loved. It was the first time I held a body until it turned cold. My Uncle could not attend Dad’s funeral due to his health issues, but sent a soulful letter to be read describing their relationship and sadly saying his goodbye. It was heartbreakingly beautiful.

Fast forward to 2014. Through the years, I visited with my Uncle as often as I could. I sometimes wrote letters and called until the only response I heard over the phone was his breath. It was hard to see again another man in my family deteriorating before my very eyes. If you know me, you know about my Uncle and his family and what they mean to me so when I received the call on Sunday, April 27, 2014 that he only had 24-48 hours to live, I jumped in a car and drove the 5.5 hours from Atlanta, GA to Biloxi, MS. I was going to be with my second family – my second Dad. April 28, 2014, we witnessed my Uncle take his last breath and the old wound from my Dad’s death felt fresh once again. I couldn’t escape my grief and I couldn’t capture my peace. He had a well-deserved military burial later that week and we did what we should do – we moved on.

Once more, that visitor knocked on our door.

My cousin called me June 11, 2014 to tell me our Grandmother was ill and that she was taken to the ER. The doctor diagnosed her with having diabetes at the age of 94 and sent her home with medication to rest. Then my cousin called me back one minute later to tell me that she passed away. My Grandmother – mother to my Dad and Uncle. The Matriarch of our family – is now gone. My anger was speechless. My shock was loud. I couldn’t release any grief or tears at work because I was numb. My Mom told me to keep it together and pull from my Grandmother’s strength until I got home. She was right.

When I finally arrived home, I opened a bottle of red wine, drank four glasses, and cried myself to sleep. I allowed all of my grief and other emotions to have their place and space and I let it all out. Here’s the thing: I’m not dating anyone. I’m not even casually dating but I’ve always had a vision for my wedding day. I always wanted to get married in Jamaica so my Grandmother could be in attendance. Another one of my Uncles (who is a Priest) was going to marry my betrothed and I, and my Dad walk me down the aisle. Once Dad passed, I immediately placed my Uncle in my Dad’s position. I still thought I had time and that it was still a great plan. But within a month, I’ve lost my other two major components of my plan. I was devastated. While I wailed in grief for them, I grieved for myself because I’m not where I want to be. My plan will not come to fruition with them gone. Where is my husband? Where are my kids? Where is my house? Where is this life I envisioned? Will it ever happen?

The next morning I woke up with a hangover, crusty eyes, and cotton-mouth. No tears were left. I was at peace. I said my prayers and left it with God. In 9 days, I travel to Jamaica to bury my Grandmother. After it is all over, my life will be what it will be. I will strive to live it to the fullest. I will do what I was born to do. I finally broke the silence and here I am today. Writing again. Another chance to do what I love. Another moment to share my heart with you. How many times do we receive chances? Each time a chance appears, do we take it or shy away from it? My angels are talking to me and I’m listening. I’m not getting any younger and I have to live my life. What will it take for you to live yours?

Rest in Peace to my Angels: Raphael McIntyre (Dad), Rhoan McIntyre (Uncle), and Mary McIntyre (Grandmother). Thank you for your life, your love, and your legacy.

dad and i                                        uncle and i                                                    mama and i

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23 Responses to “Death to Silence”

  1. Trice Dorrall June 18, 2014 at 1:57 am #

    Beautifully written Mush.

  2. Denise June 18, 2014 at 3:48 am #

    Thank you for sharing such an intimate part if your life. You are and always have been such an inspiration to me.

  3. SoniaSays June 18, 2014 at 4:13 am #

    Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. My condolences to your family. Safe travels

    • marciascribbles June 18, 2014 at 12:29 pm #

      Thank you and thank you for reading and responding. Greatly appreciated.

  4. Mimi June 18, 2014 at 7:33 am #

    This was so beautiful CIA!! I can honestly say that I let go quite a few droppings of tears for you. I can’t say I feel your pain for close, close relatives that meant so much to you. But I do feel it because I lost a handful of family members this year as well! I now know that they aren’t suffering nor are they in pain! I can finally smile!! I know they are with me every single second by my side!! I love you Cia!! ❤️

    • marciascribbles June 18, 2014 at 12:29 pm #

      Thank you MiMi! They really are with me and with you and look how beautiful you turned out! Love you too!

  5. Nikki Padgett Jackson June 18, 2014 at 10:53 am #

    So brave of you to write your “heart”. I live by the motto that God doesn’t give us more than we can bear, so because you go thru it he will bring you out of it as well. Perhaps to make you into the phenomenal woman you are today, or to just share your story, who knows. Just continue to Be.

    • marciascribbles June 18, 2014 at 12:28 pm #

      Thank you, Nikki for your encouraging words. God is with us through it all.

  6. thurstondaniel June 18, 2014 at 12:56 pm #

    Thank you for sharing Marcia, incredible writing, very inspiring!!!!!

  7. K Brown June 18, 2014 at 6:48 pm #

    You have me here at work trying not to let the tears go. I feel your pain my sister. I often wonder about the same things myself. We just need to keep holding on and draw closer to Him. That’s the only way to get through.

  8. Anisha June 18, 2014 at 7:38 pm #

    To God be the glory!! As your testimony penetrates the hearts of many, know that God is using you. I too experienced multiple losses in my immediate family in close proximity and the pain was overwhelming to the point where I couldn’t conceal my catharsis any longer. I broke and thought that I was done with this thing called “life” because it didn’t play fair! Then, I met a young about month later who sat in my classroom and cried her eyes out as she had experienced similar pain. It was at that moment that I realized we go through situations and experience things in life…not so much for ourselves, but for other children of God who are either facing, or will face, a similar experience. I believe every experience we have is a tool and we use different tools for different reasons, like repairing things that are broken or simply making minor adjustments to ensure stability. Sometimes we have to use several tools all at the same time in order to make sure something (or someone) is at it’s functional state. And because God doesn’t waste anything, He will use everything (every tool) we have (our joy, our hurt, our pain, our sadness, our success, our healing etc.) to repair someone’s brokenness, to adjust their weakness and improve their strength. God is using you!! You asked a powerful question in your testimony…”what will it take to live yours?” For some, it will take actual struggle to teach them that life is too fragile not to appreciate it day to day. For those who have already struggled, it takes reading your testimony of pain and progress and allowing you to use your tools to help them repair, adjust and strengthen. Thank you for sharing your heart…I pray it finds peace and comfort as you come to realize your loss is actual your gain. Continue collecting your tools ma…God is not finished using you!! God bless you…safe travels to you!

    • marciascribbles June 18, 2014 at 7:47 pm #

      This was amazing! Truly a testament to your experience and faith. God is still on the throne! Thank you for taking the time to read and for your beautiful response. There is so much meat here to chew on!

    • Anisha June 18, 2014 at 7:53 pm #

      My apology for my typos :o)…

      • Anisha June 18, 2014 at 7:56 pm #

        Lol…that’s so awesome. I’m so glad you were able to receive the message. Indeed, God is still on the throne :o)

  9. YF June 18, 2014 at 7:51 pm #

    Thank you for your Transparency, Truth and Trust! You are a mighty force that embodies them all in a very special way.
    Death to silence and Life to ……, Life to..???? Hhmmmm, you finish that.
    May you find a peace that passeth all understanding in the days to come.
    Safe travels

  10. Azizi June 19, 2014 at 1:08 am #

    How beautiful, Mush. I am so sorry for all your losses…It took beautiful people to create and mold such a beautiful YOU!

    From my limited experience, I think God has to see you completely opened in order to fill you with the desires of your heart. You’ve got to make room in your heart for those new blessings! Your heart can’t be filled with fear and doubt and confusion — only peace and joy and faith! So, I admire and applaud you sharing something so intimate, and I know God heard you and will bless you accordingly. This, I know. I am already celebrating with you!!!

    • marciascribbles June 19, 2014 at 1:25 am #

      Thank you, Zi! Your words make me tremble because of the truth behind it. Get ready to celebrate!

  11. Janice June 19, 2014 at 8:41 am #

    You are a gifted writer and storyteller… I saw you, I heard your heart, and felt the sting of your tears like they were my very own. Thank you for letting us into your beautiful mind. It’s not a cliche but I rest on the fact that all things are working together for good, your good…this unbelievable pain and disappointment is a part of His great plan to prosper you and give you a future and an expected end. I also saw in your words as you lay crying that He caught every tear and cried even more for you, I saw that as you drifted off to sleep He held you laying in the pillow of His bosom. While you slept He watched over you and He blessed you and renewed your energies …. and He had you wake to His brand new mercies in the morning with strength to move one step and day closer to that future he planned for you. I also saw your rejoicing…I saw that smile of yours and the weird laugh you do when you are utterly delighted. He will give you away, bless your home and family and keep and protect them as He has protected you all these years. Again thank you for opening your heart and sharing your pain through your gift.

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